MUM TO CHILD DRAMA

In Africa, Uganda in particular, we have the craziest and funniest mums that have walked earth. Each one of you in Africa can bare me witness on this. There are questions you ask your mum and she will give you the craziest answers. There are things u will do and her reaction will make u think she is berserk.
My mum is one of those lovely haywire ladies. There a couple of incidences when I was young that crack my ribs right now. Most of these incidences is when mum loses something. She loses her mind (that’s what I think) she gets frustrated and she transfers it to the kids around. Mum would call u, “Junior! Come help me look for my handkerchief!!” (because this is one thing she loses most)
In most cases She calls me when I’m doin something so I tell her
“mum I’m a little bit busy here”
Trust me when u tell mum this, you have messed. U have terribly messed. Her anger rises like a thermometer put in hell fire. My mother I guess has never gone for anger management lessons.
She goes “what?! What did you say? Say that again!? Did I ever tell God that am busy so he should not give u to me? Huh?!”
That’s when you know that she is haywire. You start to ponder whether mum is a personal friend to God or if he has a direct call to God. And when u fail to understand it u then have to go help.
So u hear to her bedroom and ask her where to start from, u get shocked by the answer.
“in the toilet!”
“what!? How will I look for stuff in the toilet!?” that’s when u know u have been played for a fool and u can’t argue your case out. If u get the guts just know u are heading for a beating. All African mothers expect their kids to be mind readers. So as a son of an African mother u have to sketch all the pathways your mama went through till u find what she is looking for.
At this point mum gives up with searching and leaves the whole search to you. She tells u search with care and don’t come out without it thank u. Just know it has now changed from a request to an order.
After like an hour you come out and tell her you ain’t seeing it.
She will tell u to keep searching proper u will find it. Then she gives u a hint check near the bed. And u think why doesn’t She come search herself if she knows here to check. And She adds ice to the cake, she says “take your time ”
And u are like “what! it has been an hour since I started search. Mums are crazy when they lose something.

When it comes to a beating, it’s abother dramatic scenario. If u recall all that your Mama did when she wanted to beat u you will keep laughing your head off. I remember one time Mom wanted to beat me up and if she had an audience, she would would be having an Oscar by now.
It was way back when I was still in nursery when my mum punished me with a lot of drama. We were playing outside in the compound, I, my little sister and Sam the neighbour’s son. The game was to run around around the house and at a point read Sam’s father’s car number plate which was UDD 666. The problem was, the point where we were to read the number was the same point where mum’s bedroom window was. And that day She was trying to have an evening nap. All of us had to read the number and anyone who messed it had to sit and wait till when everyone messes then a new game starts.
This time bad luck was on ma shoulders. I was the one who messed up. Everyone heard me mess and I too heard myself but the fact that it was goin to take me long to get back in the game, I was not goin to listen to anyone. So an argument erupted and it got louder and louder. I think it messed mum’s dream or something. She yelled from the window telling us to keep it down or go argue from Kenya(hahaha I know. Like we should carry our argument from Uganda to Kenya where she can’t hear us. But u know these are African mothers)
We went low and kept the argument going. I didn’t want to sit. As u all know how heated argument can be, the voices rose again. And I don’t know how we couldn’t figure it out that we have to go argue from somewhere else. We kept arguing from where the window was. It went for about ten minute and all of a sudden I heard a calm voice calling out
“Junior! Come give me these sandals”
To every kid in the neighborhood, this meant trouble. Each one and every kid ran away silently and left me in this alone.
So I walk slowly because as skid u know that if u go slowly by the time u reach She may have forgiven u. I picked up the sandals for they were at the entry of her bedroom and headed to the end of the bed. I raised my hand to had them to her and instead of grabbing the sandals, she grabbed my hand. She pulled me toward the edge of the bed then grabbed the sandals.
She swung it toward me and I dodge it successfully. Ladies and gentlemen, never do this to your Mama. When I dodge the swing, it seemed like I had committed the biggest offence in history. She She let me go and headed to the door and locked it
“so u want to fight me?! Huh? Answer me!!  so u want to fight me? Ok let me lock the door so none of us runs out. We should fight till we get a winner!”
Seriously mums what do u be thinking. It’s not that we want to fight u. It’s a reflex action.
“so now u feel like a grown man. I want to drive the devil out of and u are sabotaging the process”
U wonder where the devil came from. It feels like God is her friend and the devil is the other friend She doesn’t like.
She handed me the sandal and was like “if u can’t fight here is the sandal beat me up! Beat me up!”
Of course she knows u can’t do it. Inside u be wishing u could. And mum always provoke. She keeps asking u to beat her up.
Finally she says “if u can’t beat me then lie down! Lie down and don’t disturb me while I fight the devil”
All African mother do exorcism.
When u go down She holds your short and starts striking u with the sandal while talking to the devil and it may go down these lines
“this devil (a stroke) that wants (a stroke) to take over(a stroke) my baby(a stroke)”
The other strikes come with no accountability. They just come raining. And mum will be speaking things u don’t understand. They will involve your Dad, your studies and all the food u eat.
And after the beating She told me to sit down. (you all mothers why do u tell us to sit down after beating us)
Every African kid has a story to tell about these incidences
The drama queen in mother’s also shows up when u tell them how u performed in school. A mother doesn’t want to hear of it that u failed your exams. Every African mother believes they give birth to the brightest kids on mother earth.
When u bring mum a report and and u have failed. Just know it’s trouble for that day. She will be acting up. And the biggest question they ask u is “what is this?”
This question amuses me. They all seem like they ain’t seeing what they are reading. Me as a kid I knew this was a rhetoric question but mum used to ask as if she needed an answer from me. She kept asking the question and demanding for an answer.
Note: When African mothers are angry they don’t need u to answer any question they ask even when they demand for answers. Any answer to the question was inviting a beating.
Mum kept raising her voice asking what was this on my report. So I get some courage and start explaining. Most of the kids have the same statement in their defence “everyone in class failed”
And all mums have the same answer to this question “I didn’t give birth to everyone”
Its now a draw but mum’s side seems to be having more weight. She now reads your marks loudly in the different subjects as she comments. And when she gets to a subject she understands best, she makes this her pivot.
“u failed even religious education? What kind of dense kid are u? When I gave birth to u the doctors told me u had brains but now it feels like there is a pumpkin in there”
She will them start telling u about her times when she was in school. I for one think mothers, when they get to this point start telling lies.
“in my days there is no way I could get the points u have here. How do u fail like this. I was ever the first in class but check what u gat here. Why don’t u borrow a leaf from me?”
Although they tell u this, they will never show u their academic papers. No way and asking for them is disrespect. They look at that demand like u are tryin to challenge them. “How dare u ask for my papers. So u think am lying huh? Is tthat what u think?”
Failure too calls for a beating. So she sends to go bring a cane so she can drive away Satan. Hahaha Satan She always said. U had to bring the cane. U didn’t really understand why She was goin to cane u but to her She had to drive out the failure Satan. And these canes were calmly taken like u have made a pact with mum. She canes u and asks u to thank her for that. It didn’t matter whether u were crying u had to say thank u. And sometimes she went to the extremes of telling u to sing for her.

It was so had to understand all this mothers did but when u grow up it starts dawning on u that they did this for your sake and bless them for what they did. And the drama bit, it keeps u laughing. I love my mum and I guess u all love yours too!!!

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Why Boda Boda men are the best salesmen

Boda Boda man aka Okadaman as known in Nigeria refer to commuter motorcyclists and to ma opinion make the best sales executives in the world. These guys have the zeal, the power and the will of wooing customers to take up their services over their competitors. There are a couple of methods these guys use. Let me list them as I explain each one of them and in the end your side with me about this:

Pimped ride
Boda BodaEnglish of recent have resorted to improving their motorbikes so they could suit the changing demands of their clients. They no more ride the plain bike as it was imported. They have now made the impossible possible. There are a lot of peripherals and the package is expanding each and every day. For example: some of the bikes now have radios. The okadaman now builds a cage at the front and drops in a portable radio. Which means now you don’t have to go through an awkward journey like before. Hope you all know how awkward it is to be that close to a guy without a conversation and you also know that time you hate conversations while traveling, the radio now saves both your day and the cyclists’ day. The guy now doesn’t have to come up with a topic just to keep you company and make you enjoy the journey. For now u can either listen to radio or the topics can come from what is on radio. You now have a choice to politely tell him to shut up so you can listen to radio
Of recent, the ride now have umbrellas too. Yes yes they have umbrellas. People were shunning the Boda Boda saying whenever they board them, they are hit by a lot of sunshine. The Boda Boda were not ready to let this ruin their market base so they came up with a solution. Weld a pole with and umbrella on it and your are good to go. So for now clients can’t complain about the sun and stuff like that.
The extreme pimpin I saw the last time I checked was a gear and a steering wheel. Hell to the yes I swear to the most high this guy had these things on his bike. I looked at the guy riding it and I was like “you must be the wizard of Oz himself!”

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So these guys will improve all the machines to suit their clients

Title for the client
It all seems like these guys studied psychology. They know how humans want that respect and how they value family. So they let u have all the respect you need so you can buy their product. They make you the client feel affiliated to them or they make you feel like u are the boss in charge. All this comes in the way you appear to them: when u are younger than them, they will call u sister. (“sister nkutwale Ko?”).
If u are older than them, they will call you Mama, and if you are way too older than them, they will call u gradma. And the same for the males with their respective titles. Who of you doesn’t feel good when called family? I know everyone does.
This has also been take to the way one dresses. The titles are given according to your dress code for example when u are dressed casually and may be with dreads, these guys will call u raster, my man, owakabi and the like. And most people dressed like this like these titles because it’s an ego boost
When u are dressed professionally, the titles also turn professional like manager, boss, employer etc. This makes you feel like you are the boss out here and 90% chances that u will board that bike and give him that money.

A conversation for the client
Okada men know how boring it is to travel without any form of entertainment and they also know how awkward it feels to say nothin when persons are that close to each other. So the guy will come up with a story for you. I strongly think they follow up trends because these people will come up with the most selling topic in the nation and it doesn’t matter what genre it is in, they will give it to you. And the most interesting thing is they do a test till they find what your like. For example he may start with politics so he goes like ” this government has issues. Sid u see the kind of ministers they have”
Of course when not interested you will hum through the dialog. He will switch up to something else. He may go along these lines
“Btw did you see how the government employed bebe cool to do their campaigns!? Btw what’s your favourite jam of that guy.”
And if u like music trust me u will open up and the conversation will flow.
The next time u come to pick up a Boda Boda u will have to pick that one guy for u have made a connection with him and to him it will be a client in the bag.

Proper use of company resources
They utilize company resources like they go get paid double. They always don’t  want to let a client slip by them or go to their competitors. So he will see u from afar and he will ride till where u are and inquire if u need his service. What is fascinating is they don’t really mind about how much fuel they are using all they mind about is the client. Every company needs this kind of sales executive. Use they resources to the fullest and let the client me happy
In other cases when the client tends to refuse the service, they will follow one around trying to convince them to accept their service. He will be telling u some funny stuff just to get u board. For example he may tell u of how his wife has nothing to eat, how u are the only one who is goin to provide lunch for him, how u can’t walk that long distance. ( like he knows where u are going) etc. At the end sometimes u end up boarding.
So employers, I guess these are the right people to give these sales jobs. They will make the client feel good as they grow the company GDP. Don’t u agree?